Not So Fresh Reviews: Star Trek Into Darkness

Editor's Note:  Blanket Spoilers

In the most recent Episode of the Podcast we had our summer movie rundown. Sadly I wasn't there, likely because I am hard ass when it come to movies. So I will do some reviews right here since Evan Kevin is right for now.

The reboot continues, or maybe it's an alternate universe, or a dream inside the mind of a simpleton Trekkie. Who knows, and who cares? No one. This time we have Khan (The Internet's worst kept secret), then some crazy action, Spock learning to feel, more crazy action, Kirk leaning not to feel, and some more crazy action with a bunch of story that didn't really have much of a point to it.

Did I hate this movie? Absolutely not.
Did I love it? Eh.

It was fun, and for anyone who is a fan of the original Star Trek series, the nods toward you are plentiful. That might be one of the best parts of the film, but it may also leave those on the outside a bit bewildered. It isn't working hard enough to be it's own creation. I'm looking at you old man Spock! My girlfriend, who grew up on The Next Generation was unimpressed by the whole experience; from inconsistent herping of the derpometer, to the over stuffed sausage of a script. I agree with both of those complaints. Most of the film had a hard time deciding what type of movie it was; action, mystery, scifi, or buddy-cop comedy and then what story it was going to tell: Kirk's love for Spock, Spock's love of well manicured bangs, Khan's deep anguish, or Scottie's booze cruise. The list goes on.

The number one problem is that most of the cast is wasted; especially Cumberbatch. This saddens me greatly, since I enjoy him and the character he plays so much. Then they add a character that has so little gravitational pull on the script her clothes drift away. Seriously she effectively inconsequential, and could have been removed all together to give badass Kahn or badass Uhura more substantive screen time. She is likely around for Kirk's lust story, since Uhura is still dating Spock and there is no alien strange is sight.  This might boil down to a format issue. Star Trek was a show which meant you would get certain character heavy episodes, but that doesn't translate to the big screen. The set up of  interesting scenarios that just lapses into firefights or brawls for no other reason than it's supposed to be a summer action movie kinda made it like a stun phaser to the nuts. Why get into fucking disguises if we are just going to get into chase where the ship goes sideways though a hole and then have a shoot out. Somewhere, there is a lot of more compelling shit that got beamed out in the cutting room (Director's Cut maybe? Not likely).

Maybe I'm just not a J.J. person, because every time I get into something of his I go from feeling like the engaged adult I am to a six year old who is having their hand held to cross the street. It just seems as if he became afraid of the stronger science fiction aspect of Star Trek. Which is strange considering he's working within the genre of science fiction. Maybe this bodes well for Star Wars, as this movie felt like an awkward audition for that job. Though I doubt it. WAIT! Unless Kirk is Han, with all of his dick wagging; Spock is Luke, since he is a detached ninny until shit gets really real; Chekov is Chewie cause fuck you and get in the engine room you unintelligible muthafucka; Uhura is the worst parts of Leia, when she is seen and not heard; Freaking Scottie and Bones are 3PO and R2 respectively, since they only make jokes or inexplicably get everyone out of pants shittingly bad pinches; Kahn? I don't know about Khan, you tell me in the comments.

If you loved the first one, then this is an okay sequel.
If you like the OG Trek series you might like it.
If you have no idea what Star Trek is read these and become a better person, you monster.
Star Trek Guide 1 & Star Trek Guide 2

Also I saw this in Real-D, but not Imax and I was unimpressed. Though from what I hear Imax makes this flick pop.

Well I know I went shit house on this movie, but it had to be done. This is NOT a horrible movie, just a messy one. Do yourself the favor and catch it during a matinee, and save yourself some cash while still catching it on the big screen. If you are not a Trek fan at all this isn't going to sway you.

Beam me out.